Why this blog?

This blog is a description of an adult woman's ending of her suffering, her learning to be a blessing to herself and to love herself. The blog starts with her comments on wearing braces as an adult woman in 2010.

But where and how did it all began?

In 2008, I met a man on a dating site. Because of where I was emotionally and psychologically at that stage, I needed him. I do think that if I met him now, or in 2006, we would not have had a relationship. But when he started writing to me, the most beautiful letters, I needed someone and he somehow offered me what I needed. So, I decided to trust him and love him. However, the moment I uttered the words "I love you", he pretended that he never said/wrote those words to me.

Even before saying those words, I knew the relationship was not going to last long. I thought it would be a 3-month relationship and it would end when he love someone else. How right I was, how wrong I was!

It ended after 3 months, but I counted from the wrong day. Still, we had continuous contact for more than a year after the break-up. Even after I mourned my loss and said a permanent goodbye, he returned, until it eventually ended and we now no longer have any contact and I now have ended this part of my life.

It initially ended, after he hurt me and not because he found someone else. What happened? Well, he told me to jump, like a Romeo of former times. I jumped, hoping I shall fly with him to a higher place, believing that he shall at least catch me, if I fall. I did not fly, as I am not an eagle. He did not catch me, as he is a coward.

It ended eventually when I found that he is in a relationship, with a woman who gave birth to his child, a day after he was at my place - again trying to get into my pants. When I asked her, to their relationship, she described them as a happy family. He, in subsequent threats, described her as his wife. I learned from her, that they had a relationship since before I met him on the dating site. She learned from me that he had a relationship with me.

How does a relationship end but continue? Easy. He hurt me. I was almost killed in that fall. The relationship was over. I did not die, so I had to live, heal and learn my lessons. I had to find answers to questions; I had to learn about myself and relationships. I already opened myself emotionally to this person, so it was just very easy to continue to do so.

Always in my life, I would merely cry alone in my bed and write in my diary. This time it hurt too much. He would not visit and he would not listen. Our relationship started as e-mails to each other. I was always better in communicating in writing than in talking, so this actually worked very well for me. I sent him a 1000 e-mails. Some of those were poems. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he did not.

I would usually just walk away and cut my losses. This time it hurt too much. I allowed myself to tell him, I want an apology. I allowed myself to go through all Kűbler-Ross's stages of mourning a 100 times. I allowed myself to really feel my hurt and anger and pain. I allowed myself to express all of this to him and a psychologist. I allowed myself to share it with my friends and strangers.

It hurt too much - I decided that this time, I have to learn all I can from this and I have to make good use of this mistake and this pain. I decided to live and to grow. I decided to do this my way and get out of it as much as I can.

I did. I healed. One day, I was able to tell him that I no longer need him in my life. One day I was able to say goodbye, as I was done mourning. One day, I was able to tell him that I no longer want him in my life. One day, I was able to learn that he is the proud father of a new-born and the mother, of his child considers him a "devoted dad and a loving partner". This news came as a shock, but did not hurt me.

I did. I grew. I learned that I am river. I learned to love myself. I learned that I do not need to be hurt.

I am busy learning about the Imago concept and how this influences my relationships and the choices I make. I continue to learn from this experience and making good use of it.

But how did I learn about "being a blessing to myself"?

One day, I was chatting to a Facebook friend and telling him about my disappointment, as God does not live up to his promises of blessings. The friend told me to be a blessing to myself. This thought got stuck with me. Be a blessing to yourself!! No need for a knight on a white horse! No need to wait for God to bless me and in the mean time, I am miserable and unhappy - a cursed human being... Just go out there and be a blessing to myself!

But how did I learn about the end of suffering?

I was already being excited about the "being a blessing to myself" concept, when I read an article in a magazine. I had to read that article 5 times, because every time, I would get stuck in the introduction, where the writer wrote that she has learned to end the suffering. I realised, that although I started to be a blessing to myself, I was also still wallowing in pain. Allowing myself to personalise pain. Allowing pain to enter me and get stuck in me. I had to learn to "roll with the punches".

So what now?

Now I am learning to end the suffering. I know suffering. I continuously have to remind myself to not suffer. It is just so easy to suffer.

Now I am learning to love myself and to be a blessing to myself. This is not easy to bless myself - it is hard work. I have to love myself a lot to do this for myself. It is not that I do not love myself. It is just that I do not love myself. I love others more. I have to decide daily to love myself. It is not so easy, because it means I have to listen to myself and to trust myself. Even people who love me, or who have good intentions will question what I am doing and how I am doing it. Sometimes they are right and I have to hear that, what I am doing, is not loving to myself. Sometimes they are wrong and I have to trust my instincts and do what is right for ME. My decisions are not necessary what I would prescribe to another, but I have to do what works for me.

And this blog?

This blog is about this process of ending the suffering and being a blessing to myself. Getting braces is an act of kindness to me. It is being a blessing to me. It is loving myself. The blog is and will become more than just an account of how the braces is helping me. This is a public blog. Therefore, I cannot yet write about everything, as I have to not put myself in a tight spot, but as processes unravel and information becomes less sensitive, I shall tell the other stories too.

Please join me on my journey. Learn from me and let me learn from you. To do this: become a follower (check the sidebar) and add comments to my posts (beneath each post). Please allow others to do the same (check the side bar for share options).

I thank you.
Namaste (I see god in you)
Sawubona (I see you, human)