Waste

Waste.

Time and hours
wasted.
Being at the wrong
place.
Doing the wrong
thing.

OK

You are OK,
I love you.
I understand, you still love him.
I understand, you still hope he’ll hold you.
I understand, you still get aroused.
I understand,  you still believe in him.


Copyright: 2010, by Lorraine Joubert, All Rights Reserved
http://profile.to/lorrainejoubert
The end of suffering - To be a blessing to myself!

Nie meer

Nie meer.

Elke dag dieselfde plek.
Dieselfde haat.
Dieselfde nyd.
Dieselfde droogte.
Dieselfde oorvloed.

Elke dag dieselfde plek.
Niks verander.
Ontuis.
Verstote.
Enkeling.
Anders.
Analis.
Krities.
Verwag te veel.
Speel nie saam.

Tyd om die spel te breek.
Tyd om passie
En welsyn,
Saam te geniet.

Elke dag dieselfde plek.
Nie meer!!

Copyright: 2010, by Lorraine Joubert, All Rights Reserved
http://profile.to/lorrainejoubert
The end of suffering - To be a blessing to myself!

Mother's day

Sunday was Mother's day.

As usual, Mother made sure she spoils the day for herself. As I have learned over the last couple of years, I allowed her to.

I went home; I wished her a happy Mother's day.

The rest of the weekend was spent like any other weekend when I am visiting home.

Visiting home has changed over the years. There was times when I went home every weekend, then there were times, when I visited once a month, then there were times, when I visited none. Then there were times when I went home, but did not visit.

I love my parents. My parents are wonderful people - my friends easily dump me for my parents... My ex-boyfriends stay friends with my parents, so no, they are not terrible old people that are best to be avoided. I am really fortunate to have them in my life.

Somehow, I did not and do not get what I need from my parents. My parents love me and they love me, the best they know how to. Somehow it is not providing in my needs. Communication, jealousy, expectations, love languages, unthankfulness all contributing to a break in the relationship. And then one day it all collapsed...

This time round, I refused to fix it. No "I am sorry", no trying to talk it through. I just went home and did not visit, and also did not go home. Gradually, I learned what was wrong and how much it hurt me. Gradually, I accepted that they did the best they know. Eventually, I let go. I let go of the pain. I let go of the expectations.

I started to visit again; I got a few pleasant surprises - like an unexpected apology! Visits became nice again. My needs are not yet met, but I enjoy the relationship for what it is and take note and savour the unexpected surprises.

The relationship is different now. I am a different person and therefore the dynamics of the relationship is different. I am not trying to have the parents I want, I appreciate what I have. It still hurts to not have what I so badly want, but I am blessed by what I have.

I had to decide to end the suffering (not having my needs met) and to be a blessing to myself (letting go of expectations and pain, love myself, love my parents, and letting the relationship be).

Now I enjoy my parents again. I love going home and look forward to visiting them, ever so often.

Lief vir julle!

A month later.

It is a month, since I got braces. A month in which my teeth was hurting, the hurting became a nagging pain. The nagging pain became tiredness... Then there was the adaptation to the new settings, after the monthly check-up at Dr. Esra. And here I sit tonight and I AM VERY IMPRESSED! The two front teeth (the ones which made me the most self-conscious), are almost straight! If they were like this, I would not have had to go through this process.

In this month, I had to learn to brush my teeth, floss, eat, drink, and close my mouth and smile "mindfully". In this month, I knew whereto I was working and what I was planning for myself. I was willing to go through all this adaptation and pain to reach my goal, of straight teeth... I had some shocks, when there suddenly appear gaps between teeth - I did not want to trade skew teeth for Madonna teeth ;-)

In this month I got some for which, I prepared myself and some for which I was not prepared.

***

In this month, I also had a life outside of my mouth.

I became extremely tired for no apparent reason at all. I was happy and hardworking, I was sad and hurt and unable to work. I had to learn to work beyond my tiredness to reach my work goals. I had to learn to live beyond the pain of an old love to reach my goal of finding answers. I found the unexpected answer, whilst I had no energy to deal with it.

I got some for which I was prepared and some for which I was not prepared. I did not know what I shall find and whether I shall like what I find. What I found were answers, I did not like, but which did bring an end to suffering. What I found was a self-affirming knowledge that I shall be at the right place at the right time. What I found was a self-affirming knowledge that I have excellent instincts, which I need tot learn to trust. What I found was a self-affirming awareness of my strength and wholeness.

And here I sit tonight and I AM VERY IMPRESSED! I am smiling and totally in love with myself. I have come very far and I am flowing strong…

27 April: Arts and crafts

Vinnig, stap ek in Small straat af. My broek bewe en my my maag is op ‘n knop. Dis ‘n maand sedert die draadjies aangesit is en ek is oppad na die opvolg afspraak.

Erens in my agterkop is daar herinneringe van draadjies wat stywer getrek word en alles waaraan ek reeds gewoond geraak het, wat weer van vooraf seer is.

Wel, daar is geen omdraaikans nie. Die draadjies is in my mond en vandag is die opvolg afspraak. Ek stap ewe dapper en nonchalant die spreekkamer binne. Die ontvangsdame herken my dadelik (wel ek is seker die enigste blanke wat Dr. Esra by die Lister mediese sentrum besoek). Ek is verbaas oor die baie volwasse vrouens wat daar sit en spog met porselein en metaal in hul monde.

Gou-gou is dit my beurt. Die ortodontis loer vinnig in my mond. Ek kla oor die gaping tussen my voortande (ek wil ‘n reguit ry tande hê en NIE soos Madonna lyk nie). Hy verseker my dit is net tydelik, vyl die tande kleiner, deel opdragte aan die assistant uit en gaan met ‘n grappie na die volgende pasiënt.

Die assistant begin met haar “arts and crafts” in my mond. Eers is dit metaalwerk met ‘n tang, wat sy baie flink hanteer. My tande is egter nie beïndruk nie. Hulle stuur pyn boodskappe aan my brein in protes teen die knap behandeling wat hulle ontvang. Net toe ek begin wonder of ek nie maar tog uit my keel uit mag vloek nie (sy sal tog nie ‘n Afrikaanse vloekwoord agter uit ‘n keel uit kan verstaan nie) sit sy die tang neer. Sy trek haar naalde nader en begin gare tussen my tande deurvleg. Dit is nie so seer nie, maar ek voel dadelik die spanning wat hierdie nuwe verwikkeling in my mond teweeg bring. Die oomblik wat sy die naalde neersit, trek ek die spieël nader. Verdwaas wonder ek, hoe ek hierdie spulletjie gaan skoon èn wit hou! Ek is egter tog beïndruk – die twee voortande is stewig aan mekaar gebind en sal nou sáám skuif. So is van die ander tande ook netjies aan bande gelê.

Wel, terug werk toe. My mond is toe nie so seer nie! Verniet het ek al die soppe bymekaar gemaak…

Nou vir die “moral of the story.” Soms verwag ek die ergste en dan is dit nie so erg nie. Wanneer ek vir myself wil goed wees, is daar soms pyn aan verbonde. Soms moet ek toelaat dat ander my seer maak, sodat ek my doel kan bereik. Soms, moet iets aan bande gelê word om dit beter te maak. Om myself te seën verg lyding, werk en moed. ‘n Goeie skoot humor, verwondering en fassinasie help my deur ‘n minder aangename tydvak in my lewe.

jouwêreld e-tydskrif - Anna Maria deur Lorraine Joubert